I’m in the middle of what I can only assume to be an anxiety attack. I’ve been having these attacks more and more often.
The other day, I was set off by getting lost on my way to someone’s apartment. On Monday, I had a touch of one when I was late getting to my biology class. I know that these were more of a pure panic attack where fear overtook my mind.
I have fear in my mind now, but its different.
Its hard to explain without sounding like a “stupid little girl”, but I’ve had moments like this before and it is usually centered around people who I like.
I am not level headed in new relationships.
I am not level headed in older relationships.
I need affirmation that I’m not too clingy. That things are “okay”. That they still like me. That the reason they didn’t text me back all day wasn’t because there is someone else.
I NEED affirmation. I am terribly insecure in myself and who I am.
These thoughts come suddenly, but its not just after an hour with no response from someone. Its after a day or two with no response to a normal text, after sending something sexy — because I am confidant in my body and it usually elicits a response which what I want, ultimately.
I know these thoughts and the acts I do to try and make myself feel better are probably causing more problems and pushing people farther away when I sit down and think about why I don’t have many lasting and deep relationships, but I cannot stop these thoughts.
I wish they would stop. I want to be normal. To be able to be intimate. For these thoughts to stop popping into my head when the slightest thing seems off.
I’m not a twelve year old girl. Why do I act like one when I meet someone I like.
I’m not “overly attached girlfriend”. I understand why it seems like that, but I barely know these people at the stage when these attacks usually onset. I don’t need/ nor want to be with them all the time. Why can I not just relax and wait for things to develop on their own and not pressure people into expressing their feelings for me.
Why do I even care what these people think, in all honesty. I’m a young adult. Its not like I’m trying to settle down. I make it a priority to try to promote thinking and actions in others that make them less dependent on others and other things emotionally and financially, but I am always craving someone to affirm me, to help me feel like I am an acceptable person under societies standards of normal.
I’m not sure.
This doesn’t feel like an anxiety attack. It feels like a totally different beast. Something far more deeply rooted and something that I can’t just force myself through.
I need to see a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist or something, but I’ve been putting it off.
I realized I’ve been doing this because I’m scared. Scared that whatever is wrong with me can’t just be treated because I have an imbalance of chemicals in my brain. Scared that my only option will be years and years of therapy which isn’t guaranteed to work. Scared that nothing will work. But mostly I am scared of the label.
Mental illness has a stigma, and a pretty big one at that.
I’ve said for a while that I have some sort of depression. Depression is generally just annoying and people tend to think that depressed individuals are able to just snap out of it. The same with people with anxiety disorders. This stigma is something I can live with. However, I couldn’t live with the stigma that surrounds OCD (something my closest friend from high school suggested after we talked when I was home from break) or bipolar syndrome (something my nurse mother who works in a social work sector has recently suggested for a few reasons she hasn’t disclosed to me.) Those stigmas are life changing and often lead to harsh judgements, especially due to the public’s awareness of only extreme cases.
I don’t want that.
I want to be normal.
I want to be sane, more than anything.
Until next time,